Part 1: Jailbreak
There exists a building that distances itself from both time and space, lost in the distinctly different dimension in which it inhabits, bordering the great nothingness of the bulk and the dream interface, tucked snuggly in a vast void of the unknown. This small building holds the beginning of our story, a story about five criminals turned vigilantes in the quest to save the known timeline from destruction by the hands of a parallel dimension that borders our own. This building can only be described as a "Superjail", a jail that exists for holding only the most destructive and cunning of inmates that had made it their goal to disturb their timelines for whatever personal reasons they may have. Our story opens up in the lunchroom of this jail, a group of inmates planning their escape from the most brutal prison that any one being could imagine. The table is comprised of 9 people, led by Dorkel, a brutish orc that can only utter his name when he speaks, unable to actually form the words or complete thoughts needed for basic communication yet still somehow managing to find himself in a prison in which only the smartest of criminals have made their way into. Our heroes sit at the far end of the table as Dorkel is rallying his troops for a prison break by yelling his name and slamming his head against the table while the other of prisoners are taking carefully scribed notes on the situation. Three of our heroes sit at the end of the table listening to Dorkel's speech, one of the bunch attempting to sneak a croton into his chicken salad much to the displeasure of one of the guards watching them. In an act of blind rage, the guard attempted to bash one of our heroes' skulls in with a baton, this hero's name was Artyom Reznokov, and his time crime was simple. This man had gone back in time to execute the same Bosnian village a total of forty-three times before he was finally caught by the time police. This man had no idea about what was going to happen to him as he was about to be saved by the most beautiful and courageous woman ever to exist, Grunhilda Wondertitties. Grunhildia sprang into action, coming up behind the guard and swiftly snapping his neck, promptly starting a riot in the foodcourt in front of the various other inmates. The lovely Grunhilda's time crime was that of a mistake, accidently smothering the pope circa 900 A.D. and preventing the crusades from happening, allowing the "jews" to take over the catholic church and reforming the Western world as we know it. As the riot began to breakout all that could be heard by the inmates and guard alike were the heavy clipclopping of hooves coming from the largest of cellblocks, out of the darkness two giant red eyes peering into the room. Out of the shadows emerged a giant horse, one of titanic proportions, one adorned with jewelry, wealth, weapons, and most prevalent, fat. The massive miss Margret had presented herself to the room, her arrogant smile making her presence known as her finely groomed white coat shined in the dim florescent lights. The massive mare clipclopped to one of the full tables and turned its inhabitants into chicken salad sandwiches as she casually crushed the table with her rear for a seat, just watching the chaos as it went down before being approached by our heroes' party, a small, smelly kobold, a psychotic Serbian, and a sex crazed Scot with a hankerin' for a spankerin'. The party of three had asked the mare of a way of escape from the prison but were immediately met with a hall going up in flames as a response, several burning inmates rolling around on the floor as they tried to extinguish themselves before being turned into chicken salad sandwiches. Following directions from the mare, the three souls began to wander down the hallway before finding a face down man with his rear in the air who later introduced himself as "Ren", a crazed human who's time crime had been shooting up the first Wal-Mart in order to stop the franchise from ever becoming big. This brave, brave man refused to wipe as they continued their travels down this hall on a quest for freedom, arriving at a bend in the hall at which they noticed two guards taking a cigarette break. Despite what would seem as an easy stealth kill, Grunhilda had known better, approaching the two to persuade them into sexual intercourse but failing once realizing that both of these men have been having relations with each other during this opportunity of downtime. The battle had begun as the brave kobold Sas Stealyo'shit had begun the encounter. The kobold who didn't exactly commit a time crime but had been here regardless. She had defiantly driven her shank into the leg of her attacker before retreating and hiding behind Grunhilda. Ren had something brewing inside him, a mixture of courage and last night's chicken salad, and he had a need to let it out. Within a moment's time the guard was taken aback by this blast of courage being shot through his body, the guard choking on the physical manifestation of the human's dinner from the night before as he sent it flying out of his anus. The guards were helpless as the second guard's neck was snapped while trying to help his friend, the two dying the lowly deaths that they deserved. When the deed was done our heroes approached the door that the guards were protecting, a broom closet with an all-knowing mop inside, one that could clean any mess that time created, though the door was shut and locked after Sas had tried to dab at the door. A familiar clipclopping echoed throughout the building as the massive mare from before had shown herself, simply watching in awe as our heroes continued to insult the kobold for shutting the door. The massive mare had proposed a solution to the group for their escape in exchange for a favor, she would wormhole the group out of the building if they had taken care of the warden, warden Bagge, an ugly, old man with a tendency for yelling at small animals and scaring the life out of them. Their quest was definite, this man had to die for them to achieve their freedom. The party of four, now being followed by the strange orc Dorkel, the orc having soiled himself I fear of the ongoing situation had approached the door to Eustice's room, preparing themselves for what would be a great battle. The room was empty, quiet, and tense, the warden sitting in his chair and watching his program on his small television set as the party entered the drafty room, his eyes never leaving the screen of his television as long as he sat there. Taking the opportunity, the small and stealthy kobold made her move to attack the warden, her dash being swift but nowhere near swift enough to anticipate the upcoming action of the grumpy old man. A scream tore through the eardrums of the kobold as the eldritch old man let forth his battle cry, the sound of a thousand cicadas screaming at once, a sound so fierce it would knock the kobold back to her party, defeated and damaged. The brave human Ren had readied his attack against the demonic old man but had slipped on a bug during his charge, knocking himself out for the moment in time. Grunhilda served as a distraction as the brave Serbian warlord charged against Bagge, taking his remote and beginning to flip through the channels in hopes of finding something the warden would not like, while simultaneously the goliath ripped off the old man's blanket to reveal his huge, swollen foot with toes that talked like 1930s mafia members. The battle was on as the old man let out another deathly scream, the deafening power roaring through the room as if God himself had stubbed his toe. The kobold attempted to be swift and brutal but had failed in the awe of warden Bagge, missing her shanking attack and rendering herself helpless for the next attack before something of legend had happened. The room darkened as a demonic face rendered itself on the television scream, the Serbian staring into the void with utter awe as the face of the beast was revealed, it was Mr. Blobby. The room went silent before the song of the beast began playing for his entrance, small children singing in heavenly verse "No bridge too far, he has a car". His green eyes stared into Eustice's very soul as his hand reached out, the final words the warden would utter to the beast being "I ain't getting out of my chair" before he was brutally ripped out of his chair, his scream echoing as he was pulled into the television to join the beast. Mere seconds passed in utter silence before the T.V. turned to static. Bagge was no more, Blobby was no more, they both faded into the darkness that existed on that twenty-four by twenty-four-inch screen. The party exited the room after comforting Dorkel, who was in utter fear at this moment, the five-some returning to the fat horse to inform her that the deed was done and that Bagge was no more. Fulfilling her promise the massive equine had granted the group their wish of freedom, teleporting the five out of the prison and into the cave system known as Isphate caves.